Ever since man has stood up on two legs (approximately 7 million years ago, if anyone’s counting) we’ve eaten lovely meat.
It just made sense. The animals that we hunted were usually smaller than us, posed no threat and also provided us with a big old bounty of protein which helped us think better and grow stronger.
The by-products from the bigger animals, once we’d got through eating the smaller ones, also made for useful crafting materials that helped us further develop our early technologies.
Early man however, was not the smartest. He wasn’t aware of food hygiene rules and would probably not baulk at eating a leg of lamb that had been left out in the heat.
Mistakes with warming meat have been well catalogued throughout History. Indeed, many theorists posit that the reason why people of Islam and Judaism swerve pork is because of how quickly it spoils after slaughter. In the sweltering year-long heat of the countries, where these religions originated, the pig’s fatty flesh would have grown acrid within mere hours of slaughter.
These days, those that choose to eat meat do so with much more security. In the Western world strict food safety laws are in place to prevent the selling of any meat that may cause harm to people.
So why is it that your roasted meat tastes like dirt and is there any time at all for you to solve the issue before Christmas Day?
Here’s one reason why your meat tastes like dirt…
You’re actually a vegan.
The meat is fine. Any ordinary person would eat it right up, but you’ve recently undergone a subconscious shift in morality that your conscious mind has yet to fully comprehend.
To test this theory, try eating meat from an outside source, like a fast food shop. If you’re a vegan it should taste like dirt (or even ashes). If this is the case, then you’ll need to invest in some hemp clothing and start telling as many people as possible that you are now a Vegan. Failure to do this will lead you to drifting into the negative zone, rejected by real Vegans as a fraud and disowned by your friends for being a wannabe.
If this test yields a negative result and you discover that the meat tastes good and nutritious, then it look like you’re not a vegan.
This moves us along to the second eventuality:
Your oven is a filthy mess.
Don’t be ashamed if this is the truth.
Even the most obsessive clean freaks can find themselves with a dirty oven at some point. Over the course of a few months a well used oven will build up grease and dirt with each use. Before you know it, you can’t see through the glass window anymore, because the grease has blocked your view and your meat is starting to taste like the greatest hits of all meals from the last year.
In order to get your oven back to a decent state, you’ll either need to get stuck in and do it yourself. Alternatively, you could hire someone to do it for you. There are services that specialise in oven cleaning in Reading, London, Merseyside – you name it , there’ll be an expert oven cleaner there to sort out your mess.
Finally, and this might be the toughest realisation to come to, especially if you’ve already gone to the trouble of deep cleaning your oven…
You could just be a terrible cook.
Here’s how you do it:
Firstly, look online to find a local makeup artist for hire. There are an abundance in every town or city, due to the frivolous nature of the business and the high volume of students that are spat out from art colleges every year. Hire the artist for a day and get them to transform you into a much better looking person.
Secondly, you’ll have to track down the location of each one of the friends that you’ve recently cooked for. Find them on a Friday night, when they’re at their most vulnerable then. Armed with your stunning new looks, making you completely unrecognisable, you must then try to win their affections and eventually, trust.
After you’ve consummated this new relationship and you have their complete trust – then you start a conversation about food, and move on to the topic of dinner parties.
If your cooking truly is awful, then this should successfully trigger an anecdote from your friend – they will eagerly tell you about this terrible meal and you will know once and for all that you can’t cook. It is imperative that you slink away during the night and never talk to your friends about these liaisons, even if you are very drunk, as some of them may see your actions as rather rude or sociopathic.